My "Deep As A Puddle" Life

Spring is just around the corner.

Forgive me for being morbid but there are more suicides committed in these early months of spring than there are during any other time of the year.

Truth.

Spring brings rain.

Truth.

Even as a child, I never danced or played in puddles.

Childhood belief.

Dirt can get mixed with rain and turn into mud and this thing called MUD might have made my leotards all spotty and filthy and/or GOD FORBID my little girl feet ALL wet. Then my mother would have been forced to kill me (metaphorically, of course) if  my leotards were ever to get mud all over them because I was careless or carefree enough to enjoy playing in the rain.

Adult observation.

It is my grown-up belief that there were a lot more worms in gardens and lawns in those springs of my youth than there are these days.

Getting back to suicidal depression.

When chronic depression takes over your life you yearn for the deep end. Even though playing and almost drowning in the deep end is what brought the depression into your life and made you miserable and your life almost unbearable, you know that is only when you take that chance and dive off that board ....you are truly ALIVE.

Truth.

Long Gone is the desire for any growth or change in "my deep as a puddle" life.

As a woman who lives in a constant world of suicidal ideation, I know this spring when the rains fall I shall be walking AROUND the puddles, I will be AVOIDING the puddles at all cost. Even the smallest of puddles are too scary for me now.

And, what happened to all those worms that seemed to be everywhere during the Spring rains of yesteryear?

They have turned into the EARWORMS of my mature life.
"What is an earworm" you ask?

An earworm is "a catchy song or tune that runs continually through a person's mind."

Since Christmas ( when most people believe suicide rates are at their highest), and when everybody else was Harking, the angels they had heard on high.... I had one long, long winter of an earworm.

The song: " Kentucky Rain" sung by Elvis Presley.

Especially, this part,    "As we drove through the rain
                                      As he listened, I explained.
                                      And he left me with a prayer
                                      That I'd find you

                                      Kentucky rain keeps pouring down
                                      And up ahead's another town that I'll go walking through
                                      With the rain in my shoes (rain in my shoes)

                                      Searchin' for you

                                      In the Cold Kentucky Rain
                                      In the Cold Kentucky Rain
                                      In the Cold Kentucky Rain
                                      In the Cold Kentucky Rain........."